My mom has cancer.

On Thursday, February 18, 2009, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She and my father had borrowed my car to go to an appointment that her primary care physician had demanded after her appointment to recieve the results of a wire-guided MRI biopsy had been delayed by more than a week because her gynecologist was out of town at a symposium. Had she waited - we would still not know. Its bad enough it took them seven months from the time of her first abnormal mammogram to decide that the mass was, in fact, cancer.

My mother is struggling to simply accept the diagnosis. She cries out of the blue. She talks about dying. She talks about the fact that she has no life insurance and now she can't get any. For me this is difficult because I am not that great at sharing my feelings and emotions.

I guess I am not handling it as well as I should either because I am not the emotional rock she needs. I want to be the daughter that holds her hand - so I am trying. I hug her when she cries. I tell her I love her. I tell her we will beat this. I feel like a fraud because I don't always believe she will live. I am afraid of losing her. I am afraid she will leave me alone in this world.

So this is my outlet. I am going to use this blog to help sort out my feelings. I am also going to use it as a journal of her fight. I want to have a tribute of her fight to live - even if it takes her from me.